When Being Right is Wrong

"I am right."

Never has there been a set of words that felt quite as good as these.  "I love you?" "You're getting a raise?" "Not guilty?" No thanks, I want to be RIGHT.  So right that the conversation now has to end, because nothing that you could say right now would even matter.  So right that I get that warm feeling of vindication throughout my body, followed by a stupid, arrogant smile on my face that says "I got you! You know I'm right."

Being right is what life is really all about.

Wrong.  Or not.  As I'm about to explain, maybe things don't need to be right OR wrong.  Maybe, through the illusion that language and our own thoughts produce, we lose sight of the fact that "right, wrong, true, and false" don't really exist outside of our own minds.  Maybe our idea of reality and what is right is nothing more than just that... an idea.  This type of philosophy talk tends to make people dizzy, including me.  So first, let's take a step back and look at some basic science.

As a modern behaviorist, I study something called Relational Frame Theory (RFT), which is a highly supported behavioral theory that explains how human beings learn to think and use language (in this article, the word "language" is used interchangeably with thinking and cognition, and refers to language as a behavior, not language as in English vs. Spanish).  One of the things that this theory has shown us is that being "right" is something that is built right into the very fabric of language.  This is due to a couple of basic learning processes that take place when we learn to use language as children:

Part 1 is that in order for us to use words and thoughts effectively, they have to be treated as if they are the same as the things that they describe.  When a child learns that a furry house-pet with a long snout is called a "dog," over time that child comes to respond to the word "dog" in the same way that they would respond to the actual animal.  If the child were to be bit by a dog, and a few days later heard someone say the words "Hey check out that dog!" chances are the child might cower and hide in response, without even needing to see the actual dog.  Our words become more than just vocal noises and written shapes on paper, we learn to treat them as though they are the things that they describe.  In a sense, we learn to treat them as though they are “real.” By the time language is fully developed, this happens so seamlessly and so effortlessly that we forget that we are using words and thoughts in the first place.

Part II of this process is that in order for us to effectively name things in our environment, discuss them with other people, categorize them, evaluate them, and compare them, the way that we speak about these things has to be somewhat consistent.  We learn as children that we can't say that a dog is a "dog," and then turn around and say it's a "chair."  Language wouldn't work very well if we all did that.  So just to make sure this doesn’t happen, we tell children "no, that's wrong" as they are learning, and as adults we call the people who do this, "liars," and we punish them for lying.

Lastly, there is a sort of hidden Part III inside these learning processes.  It is an assumption that emerges while learning Parts I and II and helps to fuel this "being right" phenomenon.  This assumption is about reality itself.  When we claim to know that something is “true” or “real,” what we typically mean is that our thoughts and words are accurately describing “reality” - the real world that is stable and exists outside of ourselves.  This assumption about a separate, external reality lays the groundwork for the claim, "I am right." Because if reality is stable and exists outside of me, then that means I can learn to talk about reality accurately, and once I do, no one can argue with me…. because it’s reality!

We now have a complete recipe for the uniquely human ability to be …. ahhhhhhhh (church choir singing) “RIGHT.”  Once language has been established, I am no longer just having a thought in this particular moment.  What I am thinking is more than just a thought, it is TRUE (Part 1).  The words that are coming out of my mouth are not just organized noises, they are REALITY (Parts 1 and 3).  They are a perfect representation of the true workings of the universe (Part 3), which means they cannot be argued with (Part 2), and you should instead feel privileged that I chose to share them with you.  Lastly, I will defend these thoughts and words until the day I die (Part 2), because….I am right.

With this recipe, we create a creature unlike any other on this planet, that can speak about and manipulate its own environment in truly amazing ways.  However, we simultaneously create a creature that will verbally or physically fight with others, even loved ones, because they are so driven to be "right," and so fearful of being considered "wrong," or worse yet, a "liar." We have a creature that will enslave and brutalize entire populations of other similar creatures, because that is the way it’s supposed to be.  We have a creature who will hijack a plane and fly it into a building full of similar creatures because they were “wrong,” and they had to be punished.

For human beings, language is our greatest tool and our greatest enemy.  It works incredibly well, but in order for it to work, we have to agree to forget that our thoughts are just thoughts and we need to defend those thoughts and keep them consistent.  In doing so, we unwittingly give up our ability to put down this tool when it stops working well.  We instead find ourselves living lives that are dictated by what our thoughts say is “right,” and “true.” We continue doing things that are ineffective, harmful, hurtful, and sometimes violent because according to our thoughts, it is the "right" thing to do and there is no other way.  The tool turns around and uses us. 

So if this is our cross to bear as humans, how can we avoid living lives that are impaired or even destroyed by the need to be right? We can begin with one of the observations that RFT has pointed out.  I mentioned above that it is when we "forget" that our thoughts are just thoughts that we lose the ability to drop this tool that we call language.  It is this very insight that shows us the way out.  In order to put down this tool when it is not working well, we have to learn to notice when we are using it in the first place.  We have to notice that we are thinking, and that the thoughts that we are having in this moment are not the same as the things that they describe, they are nothing more than thoughts.  We have to learn to recognize and observe some of our most deeply held, basic assumptions.  Maybe even our assumptions about reality.

When we assume that there is a stable, objective reality existing outside of us, we are in fact making an assumption.  If there is a “reality” that is stable and exists independently, outside of ourselves, that means we can never directly contact it.  We can only contact what our senses of sight, hearing, smell, touch, and taste tell us.  And for reality to exist as stable and external to ourselves, that means that some mysterious part of us must be separate from reality and able to observe it.  This is mysticism, and it's where we begin to get caught up in unscientific explanations like the spirit, the soul, or the ego.

So, reality is an assumption.  And as I’m about to explain, it’s an assumption that we don’t necessarily need.

Within behavioral science, an alternative philosophy is used, and it turns out to be incredibly useful when applied to life in general.  This philosophy is a pragmatic one.  A pragmatic philosophical approach means that we put our ideas and assumptions about an external “reality” to the side (since we can't prove or disprove it anyway), and define “truth” as simply whatever works in terms of moving you toward a chosen goal or direction.  Knowledge is seen as nothing more than a collection of thoughts and ways of speaking that moves us effectively towards some chosen goal.  A thought, idea, or theory is considered true, not because it represents "reality," but because it works.  William James, a pragmatic philosopher and psychologist (thought to be the “father of psychology”) explained it this way: “The truth of an idea is not a stagnant property inherent in it. Truth happens to an idea. It becomes true, is made true by events."

When we say that the theory of a round earth is “true,” it is true in the sense that it helps us in doing things like navigating the globe, predicting the weather, understanding gravity and earthquakes, etc.  When we say the theory of evolution is “true,” we mean that it is useful, and enables us to effectively understand and manipulate biology in ways that have advanced the wellbeing of humans everywhere.

It isn’t necessary to take the extra step and say that these things are true because they represent “reality.”  That only shackles us to these ideas and makes us less able to adjust them in the future so that they can work even better.  A pragmatic philosophical approach frees us from being slaves to our own thoughts, beliefs, and personally constructed realities, and brings us back into contact with our direct experience and what works best in this moment, in terms of our chosen direction in life.

As an example of how this might be applied, we'll say that one man, whose chosen life direction involves caring for and promoting his family's well-being, has chosen to cut ties with his son after discovering that his son was gay.  This is because his ideas about what is right (heterosexuality) and wrong (homosexuality) are more than just ideas to him, they are reality.  He relates to these ideas as being an accurate description of the one true “reality.”  They are "the way it's supposed to be."  The man's wife may see the suffering he is causing and argue with him, saying "You're wrong!” or “There's nothing wrong with being gay!" Despite where you land on this topic, the man and his wife are both making the mistake of focusing on what is true vs. false, right vs. wrong, instead of focusing on what works.  If this man were to approach life using a pragmatic definition of truth, he would instead be asking himself "Do these thoughts and beliefs work well for me in this moment to move me towards my goal of caring for my family?" The answer would be "No," and thoughts about accepting his son's sexuality would be "true." (If it is still awkward for you to think about the word "true" in this way, think about the saying "He shot the arrow straight and true."  These latter thoughts are considered "true" in the sense that they get him to his target of caring for his family.)

Now I of course recognize that adopting this type of philosophy is incredibly difficult.  By the time we are adults, we are so lost in our own thoughts and ideas of reality, that to step out of them is something that we can only do temporarily and with much effort.  But just because something is difficult doesn't mean it is not worth striving for.  It is something you can practice in your day-to-day life, whenever you find yourself sacrificing what is most important to you in order to be "right" or to avoid being "wrong."  To begin practicing, watch closely in the future as you notice that you are starting to experience some strong sense of anger, self-entitlement, injustice, revenge, deservedness, or hate for another human being - all things that result from ideas of "right" and "wrong."  Notice first that, in this moment, you are thinking, and that these thoughts you are experiencing need not be measured in terms of true or false, but can simply be observed as an experience that you are having.  Notice second that your mind will try to remain consistent and will defend your thoughts with things like, “but I’m right,” and “but it’s TRUE!”  Notice that these are simply more thoughts, more experiences that can be observed, and don’t need to be obeyed or argued with.  Lastly, ask yourself: “Regardless of whether these thoughts are ‘true’ or ‘false,’ do they work well in moving me in the direction that I want to go in life?"  If the answer is "no," then don't use them.

I’ll leave you with a saying from Zen Buddhism that demonstrates just how much we desire for things to be “right,” and at the same time, our ability to temporarily drop our greatest tool when it ceases to work well.

"The secret to Zen is two words: not always so."