1. Get more into politics.
Dedicate as much of your time as possible to following politics and the news in general. Set aside time for politics in the morning, during your breaks at work, and especially right before bed. If you have to cut out some family time, or skip your workout, so be it. Politicians decide the fate of the world, so this is pretty much the most important thing that you can do with your time. Also, don't be selfish and keep all of your hard-earned political wisdom to yourself. Get out there and share the gift of politics with friends, family, people next to you in waiting areas, or anyone who happens to make eye contact with you.
2. Try to control everything.
The world is a dangerous place... anything can happen at any point in time, and most of what could happen is bad. This is why it's crucial for you to strive for absolute and total control in all areas of your life. Start by rigidly controlling your own emotions. Keep them locked up somewhere deep inside of you, and don't let them stray outside of the neutral/numb zone. Next, start trying to control others: Decide what everyone around you should be doing and then make them do that. Lastly, control anything that could possibly be a threat to your safety. You'll find that this includes pretty much everything so really the best way to do this is to just stay home where things are comfortable and safe.
3. Don't be satisfied with anything.... ever.
Being satisfied with things is the first sign that your getting lazy. As soon as you start to feel satisfied about something, stop and ask yourself, "How could this be better?" Pick out all of the minor flaws and imperfections. Think of how whatever you are doing or experiencing could be faster, tastier, newer, more comfortable, or more convenient. When it comes to the weather, take whatever temperature it is and then think of how much nicer it would be if it were the opposite of that. Lastly, don't let others fall victim to satisfaction. If you get the sense that they're feeling satisfied with something, point out all of the things that are wrong with it. If you can point out something that's wrong with them as a person, even better.
4. Dedicate your life to being "successful."
This one is a no-brainer. What's the purpose of life? Succeeding. "Succeeding at what?" you might ask. Don't worry about it, just succeed. Don't dig too deep into what "success" means, just keep it really vague. It's sort of about money... also sort of about being better than other people... or beating them at something or other... but leave it at that. If you ask too many questions, you might end up with something tangible like "success is important because it will allow me to spend more time with my family." Wrong. Succeeding is important because it leads to more succeeding, which eventually leads to success. How are you supposed to succeed if you're spending all of your time with family?
5. Assume that you know everything.
Overall, the universe is a pretty dull place... once you've reached your mid-20's or so you've pretty much seen all there is to see. It's a shame that we have to drudge through another 50-60 years after that. Start each day with the assumption that you already know everything that there is to know about the world. Don't bother watching or listening to anything educational... learning is for children and adults with too much time on their hands. If by chance something happens to strike you as new or exciting, just compare it to something that you're already familiar with and say something like "Oh big deal... that's just like insert thing that you already knew about." And stay far away from anything having to do with space, stars, galaxies, black holes, black matter, etc. That stuff is just weird.
5. Assume that you know everything.
Overall, the universe is a pretty dull place... once you've reached your mid-20's or so you've pretty much seen all there is to see. It's a shame that we have to drudge through another 50-60 years after that. Start each day with the assumption that you already know everything that there is to know about the world. Don't bother watching or listening to anything educational... learning is for children and adults with too much time on their hands. If by chance something happens to strike you as new or exciting, just compare it to something that you're already familiar with and say something like "Oh big deal... that's just like insert thing that you already knew about." And stay far away from anything having to do with space, stars, galaxies, black holes, black matter, etc. That stuff is just weird.
6. Find ways to label yourself, and then live in accordance with those labels.
Human beings are incredibly complex creatures... constantly changing, adapting, doing new and exciting things.... it's one of our worst attributes. Change is overwhelming, and if you're changing all of the time, how are you supposed to know who you really are as a person? The best way to rein in all of this complexity is to attach yourself to some nice, secure labels, and then to live inside of those labels for the rest of your life. There are lots of labels to choose from out there: Are you a Type A or Type B personality? An introvert or extrovert? A hands-on or a book-learner? Political parties and sports teams are great ways to label yourself. There are also a ton of medical and psychiatric diagnoses out there that you can attach yourself to. Once you've chosen some labels, make sure that you publicly announce them as often as possible. That way, everyone else can know who you are, what things you like, and what things you will hate forever. But remember... choose carefully, because once you label yourself, that's IT. You have to stick with that label. If you say you hate one type of food, you can't go trying that food out a few years from now to see if your tastes have changed. If you say you're an introvert, you can't just go and let loose at a party. If you tell everyone that you're the type of person who "says it like it is," then for the rest of your life you have to say whatever pops into your mind, even if it destroys every relationship you have. If you label yourself one way and then start acting another way, you're going to confuse people, and then you'll be labeled a liar.
7. Work a lot.
People don't work nearly as much as they should nowadays, but with some creativity, you can start incorporating work into pretty much every area of your life. Don't let the simple fact that you are not at work stop you from working. Bring projects home with you when you leave work. Use your cell phone to bring work with you wherever you go. You can even take things that are usually done for play (sports, vacations, time with family, etc.) and make them into work by getting really serious about them and flipping out when they don't go the way that you wanted them to. Lastly, by starting all of your sentences off with the phrase, "I have to..." you can transform almost anything into work.
8. Be normal.
Have you ever seen a "bell curve?" The idea is that with most things, the majority of people fall somewhere in the middle. Intelligence, physical ability, etc. There's a reason that most people fall in the middle: That's the best place to be. Standing out is really uncomfortable. If you stand out, people will notice you, and they'll most likely attack you, because no one is easier to attack than a loner. The best way to ensure that you don't become a weirdo is to stop and ask yourself as frequently as possible if what you are doing is "what normal people would do." If you're not sure, then ask whoever is around you, or go to a psychologist like myself and ask them. All psychologists are normal.
Have you ever seen a "bell curve?" The idea is that with most things, the majority of people fall somewhere in the middle. Intelligence, physical ability, etc. There's a reason that most people fall in the middle: That's the best place to be. Standing out is really uncomfortable. If you stand out, people will notice you, and they'll most likely attack you, because no one is easier to attack than a loner. The best way to ensure that you don't become a weirdo is to stop and ask yourself as frequently as possible if what you are doing is "what normal people would do." If you're not sure, then ask whoever is around you, or go to a psychologist like myself and ask them. All psychologists are normal.
9. Completely disconnect yourself from nature.
In case you haven't noticed, there is a lot of pro-nature talk going on in recent years. Lots of people camping, hiking... going for walks during their work breaks... frankly, it makes me sick to my stomach. People seem to be forgetting that: 1. Nature is filthy, and 2. Nature is extremely dangerous. You can't walk outside for two minutes without getting bit by something, tripping and falling, or getting some kind of disgusting weather all over you. Being out in nature also has a tendency of making people forget about the things that really matter... like work and success. So ignore all of that propaganda that is being put out there by the pro-nature industry and start cutting nature out of your life completely. Keep your exposure to nature to a bare minimum. If you absolutely have to go outside, run quickly from your house to your vehicle. Wear lots of clothing, wear gloves, and maybe even one of those surgical masks. Find the closest parking space to the store when you go shopping, and if none are available, then just hunker down and wait. At work, spend your breaks inside next to a warm, cozy computer screen, preferably in an office with no window. Lastly, you're going to want to keep nature off of your body as best as you can, so make sure to slather yourself in hand sanitizer at least a few times each day.
10. Try really hard to feel happy.
Last but not least... a guaranteed way to make yourself miserable is to try, on purpose, really really hard, to make yourself feel happy. This might seem kind of confusing, but give it a try. Next time you notice that you're starting to feel happy, try to clamp down on that happiness and get it to stay right where it is as long as possible. Whatever you do, don't let it slip away. If you do, then get to chasing after it. Center all of your thoughts and plans around how you can make yourself feel the maximum amount of happiness and the least amount of "bad" feelings. Back out of any obligations you may have that don't give you a happy feeling. If you notice unhappy feelings showing up, beat them into submission with super positive thoughts and fake smiling. If you work hard enough at this, you'll be exhausted and miserable in no time.
I hope you've enjoyed my guide to misery. Use with caution, and feel free to comment below with anything that I might have forgotten!
