Tuesday, April 30, 2013

When Being Right is Wrong

"I am right."

Never has there been a set of words that felt quite as good as these.  "I love you?" "You're getting a raise?" "Not guilty?" No thanks, I want to be RIGHT.  So right that the conversation now has to end, because nothing that you could say right now would even matter.  So right that I get that warm feeling of vindication throughout my body, followed by a stupid, arrogant smile on my face that says "I got you! You know I'm right."

Being right is what life is really all about.

Wrong.  Or not.  As I'm about to explain, maybe things don't need to be right OR wrong.  Maybe, through the illusion that language and our own thoughts produce, we lose sight of the fact that "right, wrong, true, and false" don't really exist outside of our own minds.  Maybe our idea of reality and what is right is nothing more than just that... an idea.  This type of philosophy talk tends to make people dizzy, including me.  So first, let's take a step back and look at some basic science.

As a modern behaviorist, I study something called Relational Frame Theory (RFT), which is a highly supported behavioral theory that explains how human beings learn to think and use language (in this article, the word "language" is used interchangeably with thinking and cognition, and refers to language as a behavior, not language as in English vs. Spanish).  One of the things that this theory has shown us is that being "right" is something that is built right into the very fabric of language.  This is due to a couple of basic learning processes that take place when we learn to use language as children:

Part 1 is that in order for us to use words and thoughts effectively, they have to be treated as if they are the same as the things that they describe.  When a child learns that a furry house-pet with a long snout is called a "dog," over time that child comes to respond to the word "dog" in the same way that they would respond to the actual animal.  If the child were to be bit by a dog, and a few days later heard someone say the words "Hey check out that dog!" chances are the child might cower and hide in response, without even needing to see the actual dog.  Our words become more than just vocal noises and written shapes on paper, we learn to treat them as though they are the things that they describe.  In a sense, we learn to treat them as though they are “real.” By the time language is fully developed, this happens so seamlessly and so effortlessly that we forget that we are using words and thoughts in the first place.

Part II of this process is that in order for us to effectively name things in our environment, discuss them with other people, categorize them, evaluate them, and compare them, the way that we speak about these things has to be somewhat consistent.  We learn as children that we can't say that a dog is a "dog," and then turn around and say it's a "chair."  Language wouldn't work very well if we all did that.  So just to make sure this doesn’t happen, we tell children "no, that's wrong" as they are learning, and as adults we call the people who do this, "liars," and we punish them for lying.

Lastly, there is a sort of hidden Part III inside these learning processes.  It is an assumption that emerges while learning Parts I and II and helps to fuel this "being right" phenomenon.  This assumption is about reality itself.  When we claim to know that something is “true” or “real,” what we typically mean is that our thoughts and words are accurately describing “reality” - the real world that is stable and exists outside of ourselves.  This assumption about a separate, external reality lays the groundwork for the claim, "I am right." Because if reality is stable and exists outside of me, then that means I can learn to talk about reality accurately, and once I do, no one can argue with me…. because it’s reality!

We now have a complete recipe for the uniquely human ability to be …. ahhhhhhhh (church choir singing) “RIGHT.”  Once language has been established, I am no longer just having a thought in this particular moment.  What I am thinking is more than just a thought, it is TRUE (Part 1).  The words that are coming out of my mouth are not just organized noises, they are REALITY (Parts 1 and 3).  They are a perfect representation of the true workings of the universe (Part 3), which means they cannot be argued with (Part 2), and you should instead feel privileged that I chose to share them with you.  Lastly, I will defend these thoughts and words until the day I die (Part 2), because….I am right.

With this recipe, we create a creature unlike any other on this planet, that can speak about and manipulate its own environment in truly amazing ways.  However, we simultaneously create a creature that will verbally or physically fight with others, even loved ones, because they are so driven to be "right," and so fearful of being considered "wrong," or worse yet, a "liar." We have a creature that will enslave and brutalize entire populations of other similar creatures, because that is the way it’s supposed to be.  We have a creature who will hijack a plane and fly it into a building full of similar creatures because they were “wrong,” and they had to be punished.

For human beings, language is our greatest tool and our greatest enemy.  It works incredibly well, but in order for it to work, we have to agree to forget that our thoughts are just thoughts and we need to defend those thoughts and keep them consistent.  In doing so, we unwittingly give up our ability to put down this tool when it stops working well.  We instead find ourselves living lives that are dictated by what our thoughts say is “right,” and “true.” We continue doing things that are ineffective, harmful, hurtful, and sometimes violent because according to our thoughts, it is the "right" thing to do and there is no other way.  The tool turns around and uses us. 

So if this is our cross to bear as humans, how can we avoid living lives that are impaired or even destroyed by the need to be right? We can begin with one of the observations that RFT has pointed out.  I mentioned above that it is when we "forget" that our thoughts are just thoughts that we lose the ability to drop this tool that we call language.  It is this very insight that shows us the way out.  In order to put down this tool when it is not working well, we have to learn to notice when we are using it in the first place.  We have to notice that we are thinking, and that the thoughts that we are having in this moment are not the same as the things that they describe, they are nothing more than thoughts.  We have to learn to recognize and observe some of our most deeply held, basic assumptions.  Maybe even our assumptions about reality.

When we assume that there is a stable, objective reality existing outside of us, we are in fact making an assumption.  If there is a “reality” that is stable and exists independently, outside of ourselves, that means we can never directly contact it.  We can only contact what our senses of sight, hearing, smell, touch, and taste tell us.  And for reality to exist as stable and external to ourselves, that means that some mysterious part of us must be separate from reality and able to observe it.  This is mysticism, and it's where we begin to get caught up in unscientific explanations like the spirit, the soul, or the ego.

So, reality is an assumption.  And as I’m about to explain, it’s an assumption that we don’t necessarily need.

Within behavioral science, an alternative philosophy is used, and it turns out to be incredibly useful when applied to life in general.  This philosophy is a pragmatic one.  A pragmatic philosophical approach means that we put our ideas and assumptions about an external “reality” to the side (since we can't prove or disprove it anyway), and define “truth” as simply whatever works in terms of moving you toward a chosen goal or direction.  Knowledge is seen as nothing more than a collection of thoughts and ways of speaking that moves us effectively towards some chosen goal.  A thought, idea, or theory is considered true, not because it represents "reality," but because it works.  William James, a pragmatic philosopher and psychologist (thought to be the “father of psychology”) explained it this way: “The truth of an idea is not a stagnant property inherent in it. Truth happens to an idea. It becomes true, is made true by events."

When we say that the theory of a round earth is “true,” it is true in the sense that it helps us in doing things like navigating the globe, predicting the weather, understanding gravity and earthquakes, etc.  When we say the theory of evolution is “true,” we mean that it is useful, and enables us to effectively understand and manipulate biology in ways that have advanced the wellbeing of humans everywhere.

It isn’t necessary to take the extra step and say that these things are true because they represent “reality.”  That only shackles us to these ideas and makes us less able to adjust them in the future so that they can work even better.  A pragmatic philosophical approach frees us from being slaves to our own thoughts, beliefs, and personally constructed realities, and brings us back into contact with our direct experience and what works best in this moment, in terms of our chosen direction in life.

As an example of how this might be applied, we'll say that one man, whose chosen life direction involves caring for and promoting his family's well-being, has chosen to cut ties with his son after discovering that his son was gay.  This is because his ideas about what is right (heterosexuality) and wrong (homosexuality) are more than just ideas to him, they are reality.  He relates to these ideas as being an accurate description of the one true “reality.”  They are "the way it's supposed to be."  The man's wife may see the suffering he is causing and argue with him, saying "You're wrong!” or “There's nothing wrong with being gay!" Despite where you land on this topic, the man and his wife are both making the mistake of focusing on what is true vs. false, right vs. wrong, instead of focusing on what works.  If this man were to approach life using a pragmatic definition of truth, he would instead be asking himself "Do these thoughts and beliefs work well for me in this moment to move me towards my goal of caring for my family?" The answer would be "No," and thoughts about accepting his son's sexuality would be "true." (If it is still awkward for you to think about the word "true" in this way, think about the saying "He shot the arrow straight and true."  These latter thoughts are considered "true" in the sense that they get him to his target of caring for his family.)

Now I of course recognize that adopting this type of philosophy is incredibly difficult.  By the time we are adults, we are so lost in our own thoughts and ideas of reality, that to step out of them is something that we can only do temporarily and with much effort.  But just because something is difficult doesn't mean it is not worth striving for.  It is something you can practice in your day-to-day life, whenever you find yourself sacrificing what is most important to you in order to be "right" or to avoid being "wrong."  To begin practicing, watch closely in the future as you notice that you are starting to experience some strong sense of anger, self-entitlement, injustice, revenge, deservedness, or hate for another human being - all things that result from ideas of "right" and "wrong."  Notice first that, in this moment, you are thinking, and that these thoughts you are experiencing need not be measured in terms of true or false, but can simply be observed as an experience that you are having.  Notice second that your mind will try to remain consistent and will defend your thoughts with things like, “but I’m right,” and “but it’s TRUE!”  Notice that these are simply more thoughts, more experiences that can be observed, and don’t need to be obeyed or argued with.  Lastly, ask yourself: “Regardless of whether these thoughts are ‘true’ or ‘false,’ do they work well in moving me in the direction that I want to go in life?"  If the answer is "no," then don't use them.

I’ll leave you with a saying from Zen Buddhism that demonstrates just how much we desire for things to be “right,” and at the same time, our ability to temporarily drop our greatest tool when it ceases to work well.

"The secret to Zen is two words: not always so."





Tuesday, April 9, 2013

Positive Thinking and Other Harmful Advice

Evolution has shaped our physiology and behavior in a way that causes us to reliably avoid things that are uncomfortable, painful, or threatening.  If one of our ancestors encountered a lion in a particular area of the savanna, a set of uncomfortable bodily sensations would be set off that would make it more likely that the individual would run or protect themselves.  If they happened to find themselves strolling near that area again in the future, those same sensations would show up as soon as they recognized the familiar scenery, making it more likely that they would stay away.  The opposite is true for pleasant experiences.  Things like food, sex, and mild temperatures set off very pleasant bodily sensations, and so we are more likely to seek those things.  These bodily processes are ubiquitous in the animal kingdom and there's a reason: It's simple, and it works.

As modern humans, along with our ability to think and speak in more complex ways, we have become increasingly more sophisticated in how we talk about and relate to our thoughts, emotions and bodily sensations.  We've given them names like "anxiety," "joy," "anger," and "sadness." And somewhere along the line, in our infinite wisdom, we declared that not only are the situations that trigger painful sensations dangerous, but the painful sensations themselves are dangerous.  Likewise, we declared that the pleasant ones are what we should all be striving for as we live our lives, they are what life should about.

The cultural message, over time, has boiled down to this:  1. Unpleasant thoughts and emotions are bad, and pleasant ones are good.  2. If you have unpleasant thoughts and emotions, then there is something wrong with you, and you need to eliminate them before you can live a good life.  3. If you are experiencing pleasant ones, then that means you are living a good life."  Boiled down even further, it looks like this: "Feeling good = living good."

This is horseshit.  But it is culturally supported, widespread, dangerous horseshit.

As you move through your day, take a look around you and notice just how well supported this message is.  Nearly every advertisement you will see promotes the idea that "if you purchase this item, you will feel good, and therefore life will be good."



Most life advice dispersed to you by experts on TV and in magazine articles will come in the form of this message.  And lastly, in the science world, we have built entire fields upon this assumption.  Most of your trusted psychiatrists and psychologists believe it so thoroughly that they don't even recognize that they are making the assumption in the first place.

From these fields, based on this "feel good" assumption, we have an ever increasing industry of phychopharmacology and the promotion of therapies and techniques that implore you to go to war with your own thoughts and emotions.



Not every culture thinks this way.  This is, for the most part, a Western, industrialized view of how life should be (or feel).  But how did this idea get to be so widely accepted by Western culture? One of the simplest and most direct ways for ideas to become widespread cultural assumptions is for them to be passed around in the form of common phrases.  So what I'd like to do now is pick out just a few phrases and pieces of advice that I find to be fairly common and widely accepted, and take a good honest look at them.  As I lay these phrases out and share my thoughts on them, see if you can put aside what you've learned about pleasant and unpleasant thoughts and emotions, and what seems to be "the right way" to deal with them, and take a look at what your experience actually tells you about them.
“You should feel happy” & “You deserve to feel happy.”
Feeling good or happy is not the natural, normal, healthy state of human existence.  In fact, feeling that way all of the time or even the majority of the time is not normal.  Look around you at other life on this planet.  Most complex organisms surrounding us live their lives one threatening, fearful experience to the next.  Why should it be the case that with all of the frightened, anxiety-laden animals on this planet, humans should be or deserve to be happy, calm, and serene.  I would argue that if anything, we should be in more distress.  We alone have the capability to imagine, remember, compare, evaluate, and to love in the way that only a human can love.  Yet, these abilities have a dark side.  If you can feel love for another person, then you will feel sadness and loss when you lose them.  If you can imagine your future, then you can feel disappointment as you look at your current circumstances and find them lacking.  No thought or emotional experience is inherently good or bad, they are simply experiences that go along with being human.  Sadness has every bit as much right to be present in your life as joy.  It is only when we declare these experiences to be good or bad that we begin to struggle with them, and it is at that precise moment that we begin to suffer.
“Do whatever makes you feel happy.” & “Do what feels right.”
However benign or positive this advice seems, to follow it literally is to walk down a dangerous path.  As I mentioned earlier, evolution has shaped our physiology in a way that makes a number of things feel very pleasant, like sex, food, and warmth.  Over the course of our species' history, this has been incredibly useful for our survival.  However,  today, after mastering our environment and gaining fairly easy access to these things (maybe wit the exception of sex), our desire for pleasant feelings remains.  And so, being the clever animals that we are, we've designed more advanced and direct ways to feeling good:  Alcohol, drugs, and cheese doodles, just to name a few.  And we now have things likes diabetes and heart disease, which appear to be found only in modern, industrialized cultures.  And we have epidemics of behavioral problems like obesity, substance abuse, and neglect.  The bottom line is this: Feeling good does not equal living a good life.  If we all did only what felt "right" or made us "feel happy," then nothing meaningful or difficult would ever be accomplished.  Check your own experience.  Look at the most rewarding accomplishments in your life and ask yourself if you felt good the entire time you worked towards them.  I'm guessing the answer is no.  Anything meaningful or difficult, by definition, will feel unpleasant at some point.
“Never regret anything that made you feel good.”
If you think this one is good advice, I'd encourage you to offer it, with a straight face, to someone who was just caught cheating on their spouse, or a CEO who just got busted for stealing millions of dollars from his employees.  I'm willing to bet that what they did felt really good at the time.  This type of pleasure-seeking, reckless, and unapologetic living is reserved for sociopaths, and the “Tanning Mom.”
"Just think positively" or "Don't think negatively."
This one seems to be the most widely accepted of all, most likely due to its simplicity.  It is so widely accepted, that it is the basis for many modern-day psychotherapies.  Negative thoughts go hand-in-hand with negative emotions, so if you just think more positively, or rationally, problem solved... right?  Let's try it out.  Take a moment, and try thinking something really positive about yourself and watch carefully what your mind does with it.  Try something like “I - am - perfect - in - every - way...”

Chances are, your mind came up with at least a few things to remind you of just how imperfect you are, just to keep things balanced.  Shit.  Well maybe the other one works.  If we have a thought we don't like, surely we can choose to get rid of it.  Let's try it with a thought that we don't really care about.  WHATEVER YOU DO... do - NOT - think - about.... a pink giraffe...

I'd bet good money that you are thinking of a pink giraffe.  And if you distracted yourself by thinking about something else, then I'll ask you this:  How did you know that you succeeded at doing what I asked you to do?  "I didn't think about a.... oh shit."

Our minds do not work as mechanically or logically as these phrases suggest. If you truly spend your day attempting to think only positive thoughts, you're mind will be sure to point out the contradictions.  If you spend all of your time and energy trying NOT to think about negative thoughts, you will find that they are all you think about.  We couldn't even make it work with something as insignificant as a pink giraffe.  How is this supposed to work with something like "I am a bad person?"  The answer is: It doesn't.

What seems to be needed here is not a new technique, a new pill, or a new positive phrase to help us eliminate painful emotions and achieve everlasting bliss.  What is needed is a more workable definition of "happiness."  Luckily, the ancient Greeks came up with one, so we don't have to.  It's called "eudaemonia," and it is defined like this: Happiness is doing what is meaningful and important to you.  It views happiness as being a verb, something that we do rather than something that we think, feel, or achieve.  This means that our thoughts and emotions are no longer the yardstick that we use to measure our happiness, they are simply along for the ride.  If you define happiness as being a loving spouse, and on this particular day you feel tired, irritable, or anxious, then happiness means bringing those experiences with you as you do whatever "loving spouse" means to you.  It places happiness directly in your hands, right now in this moment.  And guess what?  As you do happiness, and pursue the things that are important to you, that feeling that we tend to call "happiness" is likely to show up at some point.  It's a nice side effect of doing happiness, but nothing more.  Enjoy it for a moment, and then keep doing the things that are important to you.