10 ways to make your life completely miserable

Human beings everywhere are busy pursuing happiness. In fact, pursuing happiness has become so commonplace, that we don't even question whether or not we actually want to pursue it... It's just something that everyone does. But what about those people out there who choose a different path? With everyone so wrapped up in pursuing happiness, where do people go for help when they just want to be flat-out miserable? Well look no further. I've taken everything that I've learned about alleviating human suffering and flipped it completely upside-down to create the ultimate guide to misery. So wipe that smile off your face and dive in...

1. Get more into politics.

Dedicate as much of your time as possible to following politics and the news in general. Set aside time for politics in the morning, during your breaks at work, and especially right before bed. If you have to cut out some family time, or skip your workout, so be it. Politicians decide the fate of the world, so this is pretty much the most important thing that you can do with your time. Also, don't be selfish and keep all of your hard-earned political wisdom to yourself. Get out there and share the gift of politics with friends, family, people next to you in waiting areas, or anyone who happens to make eye contact with you. 

2. Try to control everything.

The world is a dangerous place... anything can happen at any point in time, and most of what could happen is bad. This is why it's crucial for you to strive for absolute and total control in all areas of your life. Start by rigidly controlling your own emotions. Keep them locked up somewhere deep inside of you, and don't let them stray outside of the neutral/numb zone. Next, start trying to control others: Decide what everyone around you should be doing and then make them do that. Lastly, control anything that could possibly be a threat to your safety. You'll find that this includes pretty much everything so really the best way to do this is to just stay home where things are comfortable and safe.

3. Don't be satisfied with anything.... ever.

Being satisfied with things is the first sign that your getting lazy. As soon as you start to feel satisfied about something, stop and ask yourself, "How could this be better?" Pick out all of the minor flaws and imperfections. Think of how whatever you are doing or experiencing could be faster, tastier, newer, more comfortable, or more convenient. When it comes to the weather, take whatever temperature it is and then think of how much nicer it would be if it were the opposite of that. Lastly, don't let others fall victim to satisfaction. If you get the sense that they're feeling satisfied with something, point out all of the things that are wrong with it. If you can point out something that's wrong with them as a person, even better.

4. Dedicate your life to being "successful."

This one is a no-brainer. What's the purpose of life? Succeeding. "Succeeding at what?" you might ask. Don't worry about it, just succeed. Don't dig too deep into what "success" means, just keep it really vague. It's sort of about money... also sort of about being better than other people... or beating them at something or other... but leave it at that. If you ask too many questions, you might end up with something tangible like "success is important because it will allow me to spend more time with my family." Wrong. Succeeding is important because it leads to more succeeding, which eventually leads to success. How are you supposed to succeed if you're spending all of your time with family?

5. Assume that you know everything.

Overall, the universe is a pretty dull place... once you've reached your mid-20's or so you've pretty much seen all there is to see. It's a shame that we have to drudge through another 50-60 years after that. Start each day with the assumption that you already know everything that there is to know about the world. Don't bother watching or listening to anything educational... learning is for children and adults with too much time on their hands. If by chance something happens to strike you as new or exciting, just compare it to something that you're already familiar with and say something like "Oh big deal... that's just like  insert thing that you already knew about." And stay far away from anything having to do with space, stars, galaxies, black holes, black matter, etc. That stuff is just weird.

6. Find ways to label yourself, and then live in accordance with those labels.

Human beings are incredibly complex creatures... constantly changing, adapting, doing new and exciting things.... it's one of our worst attributes. Change is overwhelming, and if you're changing all of the time, how are you supposed to know who you really are as a person? The best way to rein in all of this complexity is to attach yourself to some nice, secure labels, and then to live inside of those labels for the rest of your life. There are lots of labels to choose from out there: Are you a Type A or Type B personality? An introvert or extrovert? A hands-on or a book-learner? Political parties and sports teams are great ways to label yourself. There are also a ton of medical and psychiatric diagnoses out there that you can attach yourself to. Once you've chosen some labels, make sure that you publicly announce them as often as possible. That way, everyone else can know who you are, what things you like, and what things you will hate forever. But remember... choose carefully, because once you label yourself, that's IT. You have to stick with that label. If you say you hate one type of food, you can't go trying that food out a few years from now to see if your tastes have changed. If you say you're an introvert, you can't just go and let loose at a party. If you tell everyone that you're the type of person who "says it like it is," then for the rest of your life you have to say whatever pops into your mind, even if it destroys every relationship you have. If you label yourself one way and then start acting another way, you're going to confuse people, and then you'll be labeled a liar.

7. Work a lot.

People don't work nearly as much as they should nowadays, but with some creativity, you can start incorporating work into pretty much every area of your life. Don't let the simple fact that you are not at work stop you from working. Bring projects home with you when you leave work. Use your cell phone to bring work with you wherever you go. You can even take things that are usually done for play (sports, vacations, time with family, etc.) and make them into work by getting really serious about them and flipping out when they don't go the way that you wanted them to. Lastly, by starting all of your sentences off with the phrase, "I have to..." you can transform almost anything into work.

8. Be normal.

Have you ever seen a "bell curve?" The idea is that with most things, the majority of people fall somewhere in the middle. Intelligence, physical ability, etc. There's a reason that most people fall in the middle: That's the best place to be. Standing out is really uncomfortable. If you stand out, people will notice you, and they'll most likely attack you, because no one is easier to attack than a loner. The best way to ensure that you don't become a weirdo is to stop and ask yourself as frequently as possible if what you are doing is "what normal people would do." If you're not sure, then ask whoever is around you, or go to a psychologist like myself and ask them. All psychologists are normal.   

9. Completely disconnect yourself from nature.

In case you haven't noticed, there is a lot of pro-nature talk going on in recent years. Lots of people camping, hiking... going for walks during their work breaks... frankly, it makes me sick to my stomach. People seem to be forgetting that: 1. Nature is filthy, and 2. Nature is extremely dangerous. You can't walk outside for two minutes without getting bit by something, tripping and falling, or getting some kind of disgusting weather all over you. Being out in nature also has a tendency of making people forget about the things that really matter... like work and success. So ignore all of that propaganda that is being put out there by the pro-nature industry and start cutting nature out of your life completely. Keep your exposure to nature to a bare minimum. If you absolutely have to go outside, run quickly from your house to your vehicle. Wear lots of clothing, wear gloves, and maybe even one of those surgical masks. Find the closest parking space to the store when you go shopping, and if none are available, then just hunker down and wait. At work, spend your breaks inside next to a warm, cozy computer screen, preferably in an office with no window. Lastly, you're going to want to keep nature off of your body as best as you can, so make sure to slather yourself in hand sanitizer at least a few times each day. 

10. Try really hard to feel happy. 

Last but not least... a guaranteed way to make yourself miserable is to try, on purpose, really really hard, to make yourself feel happy. This might seem kind of confusing, but give it a try. Next time you notice that you're starting to feel happy, try to clamp down on that happiness and get it to stay right where it is as long as possible. Whatever you do, don't let it slip away. If you do, then get to chasing after it. Center all of your thoughts and plans around how you can make yourself feel the maximum amount of happiness and the least amount of "bad" feelings. Back out of any obligations you may have that don't give you a happy feeling. If you notice unhappy feelings showing up, beat them into submission with super positive thoughts and fake smiling. If you work hard enough at this, you'll be exhausted and miserable in no time. 

I hope you've enjoyed my guide to misery.  Use with caution, and feel free to comment below with anything that I might have forgotten!

Does diet and exercise have you running from yourself?

One of the perks of being a psychologist is that you can get away with acting like an expert about pretty much anything. The subject matter of psychology is behavior, and behavior can be defined as "anything that an organism does." So basically, what this means is that anything that falls under the category of "organisms doing things" is fair game for a psychologist to lecture you on. If we take it a step further and say that, technically speaking, everything in existence is "behaving" (think molecules, subatomic particles, etc.) in one way or another, you could say that psychologists are experts in everything! So... now that I've established my credentials as an expert in everything, I'd like to talk about something that I have zero professional experience or training in: Diet and exercise.

First, a few basic observations:

1. America has a SERIOUS obesity problem, among other "diseases of civilization" (diabetes, heart disease, etc.). Watch this video, it's super scary.

2. Poor diet and lack of exercise clearly play a role in these problems.

3. Many (I'd venture to say most) people who attempt to exercise regularly and eat strict, healthy diets do not succeed in the long-term.

Something is just not working when it comes to people's attempts to be healthy. The problem is not a lack of effective diet and exercise programs... in fact, there is an overabundance of programs and many of them are effective. The problem is not genetics... the increase in rates of obesity has happened far too quickly to be attributed to genes. Lastly, the problem is not simply a lack of motivation, or will power, or positive thinking (ugh - Positive Thinking and Other Harmful Advice), although those are convenient ways of explaining away people's failures. People can have the best reasons in the world to get healthy and still struggle to maintain their diet and exercise routines. There must be something deeper going on here that is causing healthy behavior to sputter out. And as an expert in everything (with a specialty in behavior) I feel that it's my duty find out.

In behavioral science, when studying any behavior, the starting point is this: To understand (and ultimately to influence) behavior, you must understand its context. To give you a better sense of what is meant by this, I'll use a metaphor. Think of the event that we call "fire." Typically, when we think of how fire starts, we think in simple, mechanical, cause-and-effect terms like: "The fire was caused by the woman striking the match on a rough surface." But we don't truly understand fire until we understand the context in which fire occurs. A more complete description of this event would be to say, "In the presence of oxygen, the match is struck on the rough surface and fire occurs." The context here is key. If you don't consider the context of oxygen, you have an incomplete understanding of fire. And if you're having trouble lighting a fire, this means that you could get stuck on trying to improve the matches and completely miss the real problem.

So how can behavioral science and its fancy fire metaphor give us a better understanding of why people struggle to maintain healthy behavior? Well, we can start off by noticing that the problem is seemingly straight-forward, and so are the solutions: If you are overweight, then start exercising and eating healthy, and you will lose weight - end of story. And yet, here we are, with the highest rates of obesity in human history, still struggling to "fix" the problem. This tells us that we are missing a crucial piece of the puzzle, which I'm willing to bet is hidden in the context surrounding weight loss and diet. We are trying to start a fire without any oxygen in the room.

If you stop and consider it, the average person's experience with trying to diet and exercise sounds kind of like someone trying to start a fire in a room with no oxygen. The individual sets out to exercise and eat healthy, starts with a lot of energy and motivation, tries hard, persists for X amount of days or weeks, but slowly, the healthy behavior begins to fizzle out and eventually stops altogether.  Then maybe at some point down the road they try again, push themselves harder, change up their approach, use different programs, different techniques, but in the end the healthy behavior again fizzles out. And when all is said and done, they walk away blaming themselves (or their genes) for not being able to make it work.

So let's take a look at the context surrounding diet and exercise. To get a better sense of what that is, we need to ask the following questions: What is healthy behavior (dieting, exercising, etc.) being used to accomplish? When someone begins engaging in healthy behavior, what are they hoping it will do for them? What will it help them get more of? What will it help them get rid of, or get away from? What we're really asking is: What are people's "reasons" for engaging in healthy behavior?

For most people, the reasons are pretty straight forward: Looking better, feeling better, living longer, etc. In all honesty, these seem like pretty great reasons. These are the reasons that are advertised on commercials and the covers of dieting books. But are these reasons really why people try to diet and exercise? I'm not so sure. Let's stop for a moment and ask... Why do we really care about looking good? Well, because we don't want to look bad. Because if we are overweight, others will judge us and think less of us, and that is embarrassing. Why do we really care about feeling good? Because the alternative is feeling sick and lethargic. Why do we really want to live longer? Because we're afraid of dying an early, and possibly painful, death. Crouching behind each one of these seemingly positive reasons, there is a dark, fearful counterpart, sucking the oxygen right out of the room.

You might think that I'm just being cynical, and that the positive side of these reasons are really why people diet and exercise, but don't take my word for it (even though I'm an expert in everything). Consider for yourself what the typical conversations about diet and exercise sound like. It's not very often that you hear a conversation about diet and exercise that sounds like this: "Hey Jim! Just started a new diet today.... Can't wait to have more energy and mental clarity in a few weeks!" or "Got a new gym membership last week..... my back muscles are going to be super toned in a couple months!" or "You have to check out this new healthy food I discovered, it's so delicious and the texture is incredible!" More times than not, the conversations sound something like this: "Look at my legs... I look gross... I have to get back on my diet," or "Ugh... I feel like crap.... I need to start exercising again," or "Yup... salad for lunch again.... I'm on a diet... I wish I could eat what you're eating."

Notice that these hidden reasons we're talking about all have something in common: They are all about getting away from something, whether it be body fat, social disapproval, sickness, or death. This is important.  It turns out that when it comes to behavior, there is a big difference between behavior that is about getting "away" from something and behavior that is about moving "towards" something. Years ago, the field of behavioral science discovered that when a behavior is about getting "away" from something, for example something dangerous or frightening, the behavior tends to be rigid, inflexible, erratic, and difficult to shape or maintain. Picture the behavior of a rodent running for its life, being chased by a larger predator. It's going to frantically run, crawl, kick, and climb until it is no longer being chased, and then it will likely stop as soon as it is out of danger. On the other hand, when behavior is about moving "towards" something desirable, it tends to be smoother, more flexible, and more easily shaped and maintained. Consider the same rodent searching for food. It's movements are going to be slower, calmer, and more flexible as it follows it's sense of smell, explores, and moves from one potential food source to another.

And that's not all.  There's another problem, a uniquely human problem, that goes along with making health-related behavior about getting "away" from something. Human beings don't just try to get away from direct, immediate threats like predators. We also try to escape from things that are made dangerous through thinking and language. Things that aren't directly harmful or threatening right now in this moment, but are considered "bad" or socially unacceptable. Like fat on our bodies, for example. Your body fat is not likely to physically harm or kill you in this moment in the way a predator could. It is considered "bad" because of what it can do over the long-term, and because of what society says about it. It is the idea or thought of "being fat" that we are really running from. And there's something weird that happens when our behavior is about getting away from a thought... the behavior can actually serve to remind us of the very thing we're trying to get away from.

For example, if your reason for exercising is because you consider yourself to be "fat," and want to get away from being "fat," then whenever you stop and consider why you are exercising, you'll be reminded of your fat. If you are dieting and avoiding certain foods in order to get away from being "fat," then every time you pass on those foods you will be reminded that you are doing so because of your fat. In essence, the thing that you are exercising and dieting to get rid of, becomes the central feature of your exercise and dieting. And so your dieting and exercising will be a constant reminder of that thing. This is why diet and exercise often feel like a form of self-punishment. And worst of all, if you do the dieting and exercise and the weight doesn't go away, then you're left asking "Well what the hell is the point of all of this exercise?!"

As long as diet and exercise continue to be "about" getting away from things like fat, social disapproval, and the threat of illness and early death, they will continue to be "about" those very things. They will be like all "away," escape-oriented behaviors: rigid, erratic, forced, and difficult to maintain. They will be based on, and reliant on, fear and shame. They will essentially become about running away from yourself and your own body as it is in the present. And there's no treadmill that goes fast enough for that.

So what is the alternative?

To run towards something.

If you read accounts of early explorers encountering human beings that were untouched by modern civilization, they are always described as being in excellent physical health. Lean, muscular, agile, and resilient. Their health did not come from planned, regimented exercise routines. It came about as a side-effect... a byproduct of engaging in activities that required, and resulted in, physical strength. And I'm not talking just about hard, miserable labor. In Herman Melville's novel "Typee," an autobiographical novel in which he describes his experience of being held captive by a tribe of Polynesian islanders, he describes these islanders as being incredibly fit and healthy. However, to his surprise, he found that they engaged in little to no "hard labor." They spent their days walking, foraging, climbing trees to obtain food, swimming, fishing, dancing, and occasionally engaging in brief scuffles with opposing tribes. Their good health came as a byproduct of doing things that were natural and enjoyable. These islanders would probably either laugh, or cock their heads to the side in utter confusion if they saw a "civilized" person engaging in exercise.

Our mistake is that we approach physical health in the same way that we approach emotional health, by trying to force the desired end result to happen, rather than engaging in things that allow it to happen. To get to physical health and well-being, we need to stop trying so hard to get to physical health and well-being. Instead, we need to create a context that ignites our interest and sense of play, and engage in things that are fun, meaningful, and enjoyable, and that *as a side effect,* result in better physical health. If we take a lesson from some of the most physically fit and healthy people out there, you'll often find that that they approach their exercise as play, or simply as a means of getting to some more meaningful or important end. Athletes who train to be better at the sports that they play, dancers and gymnasts, people who engage in their exercise not to burn fat but to achieve a faster run time, a higher rep count, or to master a new, difficult routine.

It's time we stopped "working out," and started playing. Whether it be playing a traditional "sport," hiking or running a local trail, or climbing trees in your backyard. And if you want to go the modern gym or exercise equipment route, then find playful workouts to do or make your workouts into play. Shop around for the most interesting or challenging workout you can find. And when you've gotten bored of that, find another one. If you're going to run, don't make your run about how much fat you'll burn, but instead ask "how much further or faster can I run this time?" or "what beautiful scenic location can I run at today?" or "what new, unplanned route can I take on my run?" Don't make your exercise about getting away from your own body as it is in the present, but about making your body stronger and more capable, so you are better able to play.

Ever since beginning to approach my exercise as play, I rarely do the same workout twice in one month. If I'm working out with traditional equipment like weights or a pull-up bar, I try to model every move that I make after activities that are more fun or natural (Example: while doing pull-ups, trying to simulate the activity of climbing by switching up the movements rapidly or intentionally making the bar uneven). I've acquired, or pieced together in my garage, workout equipment that seemed fun or interesting (Example: Human Torque Training - Steel club exercises). The goofier and more playful the workout, the better. If I get an eye-roll or look of embarrassment from my wife, I know I'm on the right track. And the best part about all of this, is that it has absolutely nothing to do with burning fat, making my body appear a certain way, or any of the other standard health reasons. If I walk past the mirror at some point and notice some kind of positive change in my body, BONUS! Awesome. But not really the point. On to the next workout...

When taking a look at dieting in particular, an important piece of context surrounding healthy eating that absolutely destroys people's desire to eat healthy is that our modern, common sense notions of "healthy" and "unhealthy" eating are completely upside down. Around 10,000 years ago, after surviving for millions of years on nutrient-dense fatty meats, vegetables, fruits, nuts and seeds, human beings transitioned into the age of agriculture, and began to rely heavily on cereal grains as a cheap, high-yield food source. Cereal grains (like wheat, rice, barley, oats, etc.) are basically the fruits and seeds of domesticated grasses (yum!) and are really meant to be eaten by grass-feeding animals who have evolved to be able to digest them well. Because we did not evolve to eat these foods, they cause inflammation in our gastrointestinal tract, leading to a number of health problems. They are also very high in carbs, leading to constant spikes in insulin levels (the real cause of obesity). The context is key in dieting as well as exercise. In the context of a diet high in GI disrupting, insulin-spiking cereal grains, it is next to impossible to lose weight and achieve optimal health. Being that the Standard American Diet is completely centered around grains, once again people are attempting to light a fire in a room with no oxygen.

I could go on about grains and evolutionarily-informed diets for days, being that I am an expert in everything, but there are other bloggers out there that have already done an amazing job covering this in detail (I highly recommend Primal Blueprint - marksdailyapple.com as a definitive guide to an evolutionarily- and scientifically-informed diet). I'll just say this: If you want to eat healthy, don't make it about counting calories and cutting fat, make it about seeking out the most nourishing, delicious, real food that you can find and afford. Make it about treating your body in a loving way by giving it what it really needs and wants - and taking the time to research and think about what the human body really wants based on it's evolutionary history. Your body does not want cereal grains meant for grass-feeding animals. It does not want refined sugar or unhealthy, processed vegetable oils. It certainly does not want synthetic, artificial food products. Rather than making your dieting about restricting "bad" foods, make it about seeking out real food, and then really experiencing and appreciating that food. Incidentally, it turns out that when you slow down and actually taste your food more fully, real food just plain tastes better. Don't buy prepackaged diet-program meals or just eat the one "healthy" food you're familiar with every day like you're serving some type of prison sentence, make eating into play by trying different recipes and different (real) foods that you've never tried.

When I eat "healthy," I define that as simply eating according to what my body really needs and wants, according to our evolutionary history - healthy fats, meats, vegetables, fruits, nuts, and seeds. Even more importantly, I approach my healthy eating as play, just like with exercise. My cabinets are literally bursting with weird cooking gadgets, and my counters are covered with recipe books. I tote containers of homemade nut butters, jerky, and bricks of homemade chocolate (Neat fact: jerky and chocolate are not "unhealthy" if you make them yourself using real ingredients and minimal sugar) to work for snacks each day.  And unlike the foods on a typical diet plan, I actually look forward to eating them. I don't eat "healthy" as some type of self-punishment, or because I have to. I eat the things that I eat because I want to...  it is a pleasure to eat these foods, and even a privilege - keep in mind that bread and grains were the primary food source of poor, impoverished, oppressed, and malnourished populations for thousands of years and meats, fruits, etc. were a luxury available only to the wealthy. I consider myself lucky to not have to live on nutritionally bereft and GI disrupting cereal grains!

Maintaining good physical health can actually be very easy for people who live in industrialized countries and who are somewhat financially stable. That may sound arrogant, but that's only because our current dieting and exercise efforts have been made impossible by an unhelpful context. We have been trying to ignite healthy behavior in a room with no oxygen. We have been trying to exercise and change our eating habits with the sole purpose of escaping from our own bodies, from social disapproval, and from illness and death. Attempting to start and maintain healthy behavior in this type of context turns that behavior into a torturous, shame-driven battle against our own bodies. And even worse, it makes 2 things that are supposed to be enjoyable - physical activity and eating delicious, real food - into a chore! Diet and exercise need a new context to hang out in. One that is full of oxygen. They need a context that is playful, challenging, and about loving your exercise, your food, and your body rather than trying to run away from them. When diet and exercise become about the things you want to run towards, rather than the things you want to run away from, your healthy behavior will ignite, and it will burn effortlessly.

Why I'm against "political correctness."

Recently a well-known presidential candidate was asked about his history of using derogatory language when speaking of women.  His reply: "I think the big problem that this country has is being politically correct..."

...and the crowd went wild...

For me, this scene captured an attitude that is certainly not new, but seems in recent months and years to be getting louder.  There's not only a reluctance to change the words that one is using, but a sort of pride in "telling it like it is." "Sugarcoating" the language that you use is seen as a weakness, and changing the way you speak just to appease others is like giving up ownership of your own mouth, or worse, your personal freedom. And that's just unAmerican.

Now I could easily go on a rant about close-mindedness or selfishness here, but this is a behavioral science blog, and if there's one thing that we've learned in the world of behavioral science, it is that attributing behavior to "minds" or "selfs" does not lead to better understanding, or to change. In the world of modern behavioral science, understanding human behavior is accomplished by understanding its context.

An important part of the context in this case seems to be a rapid shift in what is considered normal, or "correct." Just in the last few months, we've seen huge shifts in gay marriage rights and acceptance of transgender individuals, and heated conflicts over the Confederate flag.  Our cultural world is changing fast... and many people are having trouble keeping up.

But another, even more important part of the context is language itself. In gaining a better understanding of human language (and cognition), we've come to learn that one of the side effects of language, is a sort of inflexibility, or a tendency to get stuck.  In order for language to be useful for human beings, it needs to be consistent.  We can't just change the words that we use on a whim or language would become useless.  We also can't just change our thoughts and ideas about the world on a whim or people would become confused and wouldn't know what to do or what to expect.  And in order for words and thoughts to be useful, we need to behave as though they ARE the things that they refer to. In order for language to work, when your friend says the word "cup," you need to behave as though the noise coming out of his mouth is the same thing as a real cup. We have to treat thoughts and words as being "real."  These rules are built right into language, and are what help to make it useful.  But they have a cost. If we forget that we are playing this game of language, we forget that words are just words, and thoughts are just thoughts, it becomes very easy for us to get stuck.... we become inflexible... unable to change our behavior when it doesn't match with the words or thoughts we are used to.

So back to the issue of "political correctness." The difficulty that people experience with "political correctness" is that it breaks some of these basic rules of language. And when you are taking the game of language very seriously, that kind of thing freaks you out.  If you find that words that you've used your whole life are suddenly "incorrect," it can be disorienting.  And one of the things that happens when people get confused, is they get angry, and their responses become extreme. You'll hear people say things like "Everybody has to be politically correct nowadays, it's getting out of control!" almost as though if we keep changing the rules, no one will know what to say, and we'll all just have to stop talking to each other.  Or a common response is just to ridicule the issue of political correctness, to portray it as just a bunch of over-sensitive babies who need to learn how to have a thicker skin.  Or even worse, it's just groups of people with nothing better to do than to come up with new words that they want to be called by, just to inconvenience others, just for shits and giggles.

Breaking these rules can also feel as though reality itself is being challenged. For example, when a person begins hearing a new term like "transgender" or hears about bathroom signs being changed to accommodate transgender individuals, it is seen not just as a small change in words and signs but as an attack on reality itself.  To change those signs is to change the very structure of the universe, which up until this point has consisted of "males," and "females," and THAT'S IT.  With the issue of gay marriage, to allow two people of the same sex to marry is to destroy the "reality" of marriage.  How many times have you heard someone argue against gay marriage because it conflicts with the "definition of marriage" as being between a man and a woman? Like allowing two people of the same sex to marry is unwise because you might piss off your dictionary.  If you happen to be religiously-inclined, then reality and God are sometimes seen as one in the same, in which case you're not just changing signs on bathrooms, you are spitting in the face of the Almighty.

There's an irony in all of this, if we step back and really consider why people don't like political correctness.  On the one hand, there is the objection that people are just too sensitive... they're too picky about the words that others can say around them... "it's just words, why don't they get over it?" Yet, by being unwilling to change the words you are using, you are immediately guilty of the same crime. If "words are just words," then why get so angry about having to use different ones? What is so hard about just dropping one term and using another one instead?

What is telling about this whole thing is that children seem to have a far easier time dealing with this than adults do, because they are still new to the language game, and they haven't completely forgotten yet that it's a game.  (Check out these great examples:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ibwLwpVAtTA, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jiFDY6N33aw)

The problem here is that people are getting stuck inside the rules of language and are missing the point of "political correctness" altogether. In fact, I think that the term "political correctness" itself is partly to blame.  If we're battling over what is "correct" vs. "incorrect," we're missing what is really at the heart of this issue. The issue of "political correctness" is not really about "correct" vs. "incorrect" words.  It's not about groups of people arbitrarily picking new words and then forcing others to use them. No marginalized group ever gathered together in a small room and said, "Hey instead of people calling us _____, wouldn't it be fun if instead they called us ______?!" At its heart, this issue is about being considerate.  It's about taking taking an extra second to consider others as human beings, to consider their history, and their struggles.

The politician I was speaking of earlier followed up his response with, "I don't frankly have time for total political correctness." But what he is really saying there is "I don't frankly have time for being considerate." And if we look at that statement for what it really is, it is a lot less cool looking. It's not strong, or truthful, or "realistic." It's rude, and self-centered. It's inconsiderate. It is simply saying "I'm not willing to take the time to consider the impact of my words on other human beings." And you know what... if people said it in this way, there would actually be some truth to it. It takes time, and effort, to be considerate. It requires thoughtful consideration. It's hard. And it's possible that it might not be worth it to some people to put in that extra work. If you want your life to be about money, business, and things other than people, than maybe when it comes to being considerate and compassionate, for you the juice is not worth the squeeze. But if you want your life to be about compassion, caring for others, sharing your experience with other human beings, then you might want to make time for being considerate.

I'm going to make a move here that would most likely drive an opponent of "political correctness" up the wall.  I'm going to suggest that maybe the term "politically correct" isn't a great term.  In fact, I think it's a really bad term.  It completely misses the point.  It's not about being "correct."  And it's not about being "political" (i.e. making yourself look tolerant and accepting). It's about choosing to take the time to consider another person's perspective, for their sake, not for yours.  Maybe something like "verbally considerate" might fit the bill.  Or "linguistically compassionate." Doesn't really matter. The point is that it's not about being correct, it's about being considerate.

If people started relating to political correctness in this way, there would be no more missing the point.  There would be no more hiding behind the debate about "correct" vs. "incorrect."  It would be about being considerate vs. inconsiderate.  They'd have to stop and ask themselves some serious questions: What is more important? Being "right?" Or being compassionate? Keeping my thoughts and ideas about the "real" world clear cut and consistent? Or making room for other human beings whose path in life might break the rules that I'm used to.  What is more important? Words and ideas? Or people?

Life as Play

We human beings have a strange relationship with the idea of "life." Our capability for language and thinking makes us the only species that can sit back and ponder it... and interestingly, for many people, what results from that pondering is a distaste for "life." Just taking a look at some common sayings about life can give us a feel for this.  We've all heard variations of sayings like:  "Life sucks," "life is hard," "life sucks and then you die," "life is a bitch," "not fair? Well life isn't fair!"  There's also broader statements like "I don't know what's become of this world," or "the world is just going to s***." (Incidentally, I always want to ask such people how that makes them feel about themselves, being that by simply existing, you are the world that you're talking about).  Even those who don't feel quite that resentful towards life might agree with the general feeling of life being tough, hard, or a difficult assignment that must be carried out.  It's not often that you hear someone shout "Damn, life is easy!"  When it comes down to it, regardless of your level of distaste towards life, I think there is a particular way of relating to life that we've all bought into, which is that life... is serious.

But is life really serious?  Who says it has to be?

Let's look a little deeper into what we mean, or at least feel, when we think of life as being serious, and see how well it really holds up.  Generally, when we relate to something as being serious, there is a sense of it having some deeper meaning, and maybe some sense of danger or risk involved if we were to not take it seriously.

So let's start with the meaning part... When it comes to meaning, we tend to think of meaning as being something that exists outside of us, that is built into the world and is waiting for us to discover it.  The language that we use around meaning treats it as a "thing," or a noun, and makes it sound as though it's something we can find and be able to stick in our pocket and walk away with.  But another way of looking at meaning is as a verb, as something that human beings do... it is an interaction between us and the world.  Human beings create meaning, we put meaning onto the world.  Using language, we label the world around us, use those labels to talk about it, draw lines and divide it up, quantify it, compare and evaluate the different parts, and we do this in increasingly complex and refined ways (this is what science is all about).  But the words and ideas that we use to describe the world are not the same thing as the world. The symbol is not the same as the thing it represents.  You can't eat the word "a-p-p-l-e" or climb up the word "t-r-e-e." You can't tie up a pile of firewood with a line of longitude.  And ask yourself: If no humans remained on the planet, would there still be meaning?  What would the meaning of a sunset or constellations be if there weren't any human beings around?  What would written words on paper "mean" if there were no human beings to read them and make meaning of them?

Onto the danger part.... Even if you can agree that meaning is not already prepackaged and built into life, life must surely still be serious, because it's dangerous... after all, you could die from it! If you're going to argue with someone about whether or not life is really serious, the conversation will eventually boil down to the risk of dying: "If you don't take life seriously, fly straight, get a good job, be successful, pay your bills, you'll be poor... you'll starve to death!" But is death serious? We could question the seriousness of death just as easily as we question the seriousness of life.  Death is not some evil consequence.  It is simply the necessary flip-side of life.  In the same way that we can not know light without knowing darkness, black without white, back without front, we wouldn't know what life was without death to help us distinguish it.  Imagine a world where death did not exist.... we'd have no such word or concept as "life." Things would be stagnant, overcrowded, overgrown, and even worse, it would be mind-numbingly boring. Is that really the type of world you'd want? If your answer is no, then death is no longer an enemy.

So when we really get down into it, life doesn't come prepackaged with meaning already tied to it, and death is not the enemy of life any more than up is the enemy of down.  And so if life is not serious, than what is it? Well what do human beings tend to do when we're not doing "serious" stuff? We play. So what if life were play? What if life was really just one big, elaborate game?

Human beings come into this world knowing that life is play.  As a young child, everything is play. Beginning with the game of "peek-a-boo" as an infant, and later on exploring, discovering, drawing, hide and seek, and the games become more elaborate, with rules and stories behind them.  Even learning, which we later come to think of as being very serious business, is play at first.  If you are able, try to remember how excited you were to learn words and numbers as a small child.  And when you were successful in learning how to read or say a particular word... victory! However, as we grow older we're taught in a number of different ways that life is actually serious business, and that play is unimportant and should be limited.  Play must be confined to situations where it is appropriate, and as soon as it's over, it's back to real life... the serious stuff. 

But who says things have to be serious?  Do we really need to draw a line between play and "real life?"  What if all of the "serious" things that we do in life are just increasingly complex games.... games that we got so lost in that we forgot they were games.  Are grocery shopping, and bills, and work really serious? Do they really "mean" anything? And do you really have to do those things, or do them in the particular way that you do them? Says who? You could just as easily choose not to, if that was the type of game you wanted to play. And if you think "That's ridiculous, I wouldn't want to live that type of life..." then fine! But don't then say that the way you're living is the way life has to be.  That's the just the particular game you're choosing to play.  Own it. 

Just like life, games do not have any real meaning to them other than the meaning that we lend them. As human beings, when we play, we get together and make up rules and suddenly we have a game, and the game becomes meaningful. The longer we play it, and the more rules we add, and the more complex it gets, the more meaning it takes on.  But deep down, it's not really serious. It doesn't really mean anything.  What is the meaning of baseball, or football, or music, or painting? 

Just like life, games have to have some risk involved in order to be worth playing in the first place.  What fun would any game or sport be if there was no risk of losing? Even doing a puzzle or making art by yourself carries the risk of it not turning out the way you wanted it to.  In the same way, the risk of just being alive is that at some point you might get sick or injured, and at some point you will die.  The risk of getting into a relationship is that the person could betray you, or at some point you could lose them.  The risk of working is that you could get fired, or fail, or get really stressed out. 

When we forget that life is a game, it suddenly becomes something more than a game, it becomes serious.  We begin to feel that life really means something, and that meaning isn't something that we had anything to do with.  And at that point, it becomes an obligation, something that we were thrown into and have to suffer through or try to overcome. We become fearful of failure, fearful that we're going to do life incorrectly.  We become inflexible and fall into boring, old patterns. We approach life with caution, or just play the part of the spectator and don't engage in life at all.  Have you ever met someone who took a game way too seriously? They're no fun to play with.  They are overly cautious, they're boastful when they win, they're furious when they lose, they feel that things are unfair, and most importantly, they will never, EVER allow the rules to be broken.  In many cases they become unwilling to play the game at all, because it's not worth the stress.  You might chuckle thinking about this person in your life, but consider the things in life that you struggle with the most, that cause you the most suffering.  Are you not doing the same thing, but with a different game? You might respond "No but my thing is really serious..." but then we might just say that you've taken your game so seriously that you won't even dare to think of it as a game! Now that is an exciting game!

A strange thing happens when we choose to take the stance that all of life is a game. Life suddenly becomes something playful and intentional. You recognize that all of the things that we consider to be serious, are serious for no other reason than because we say that they are serious.  You become more flexible, more creative, more willing to break some of the "rules." You recognize that you don't really have to do any of the things that you do, but you choose to do them for no other reason than because you choose to play that particular game. The work game, the marriage game, the parenting game, the exercise game, the cooking dinner game, the politics game, the driving your car game, on and on.  You become more willing to jump into games that have high stakes, even games that you've lost in the past, that were painful or frightening, because games need to have risks in order to be worth playing! What would be the point of playing a game that involves zero risk? That would be like walking onto a playing field and saying "Listen everyone! I'm willing to come play with you... but NO ONE is allowed to score on me... is that understood?!"  And if you can welcome the losses and disappointments, as crucial parts of playing an exciting game, then you will have the opportunity to experience victory as well.

When you play life as a game, you are free to really play the game for all it's worth.  You are free to take it as seriously as you want, and really lose yourself in it.  It makes no sense to approach it cautiously, or sit the game out, because you chose to play this game, knowing full well that there were risks involved... that was the whole point!  So jump in there, make it interesting, play some games with really high stakes, trust people, love people deeply, go to work and play your job for all it's worth, do the dishes like you're competing in the dish olympics.... not for any good reason, just for play.  And maybe even break some rules once in a while... it's your game after all.

*In addition to the modern behavioral science that I typically draw from in these blogs, this particular blog was heavily influenced by a philosopher named Alan Watts, whom I would highly recommend reading and listening to.  Interestingly, Watts' philosophy, which was influenced by far eastern religious traditions as well as his study as an Episcopal priest, has many parallels with the philosophy underlying modern behavioral science. There are a number of his audio lectures available on Youtube.com and he published many books, my favorite thus far being "The Book: On the Taboo Against Knowing Who You Are."

Smartphones... Steroids for Your Already Out of Control Mind

Everyone is on their phone. Constantly. While they're driving, at work, at home, in bed, at important events, during conversations with loved ones, during once-in-a-lifetime events, everywhere.  This isn't news.  I'm not the first one to look around and notice this, and I'm certainly not the first to complain about it.  In fact, it has become pretty fashionable to criticize our addiction to smartphones in recent years.  There are endless articles about it, research studies being done to understand it. I'm disappointed, but not in the least bit surprised to hear rumors about creating a brand new psychiatric disorder to classify it.  There are even cool poetic YouTube videos addressing it (Look Up - A Poem That Will Inspire You to Put Down Your Smartphone).  My point is: This isn't a new topic.  But it is an important one.  So I want to say something new about it.  So, I'll begin with my conclusion: Smartphones are like steroids for your mind. And like steroids, they can be incredibly useful, but have some sneaky, unintended consequences.

In order to fully explain what I'm getting at here, I want to spend a little time talking about the "mind" itself.  Scientifically speaking, there is no such thing as the "mind." For a modern behaviorist such as myself, the "mind" is just a quick, practical term that is used to describe our experience of thinking.  But strictly speaking, what we experience as "the mind" is a learned behavioral process.  Thinking, language, and the experience of the "mind," are all a particular type of behavior that, as far as we know, only human beings are capable of.  To boil this behavior down, and completely oversimplify it, I'll just say that this behavior involves immersing ourselves in experiences that aren't actually happening right now.  This behavior is incredibly useful.  We can immerse ourselves in futures which haven't even happened yet, in order to plan and predict.  We can immerse ourselves in memories in order to remember important experiences and learn from them.  And we can look at the things around us right now, in this moment, and immerse ourselves in thoughts about what these things are called, how they work, and how they relate to other things that aren't necessarily present.  This skill is not something we are all born with, it is something that we are born capable of doing, and we learn to do it over hundreds and thousands of subtle learning experiences with other human beings who already know how to do it.

As I've mentioned in past articles, this behavior has consequences.  If we can imagine and plan for the future, then we can imagine a frightening future (we call that "worry") and experience fear now in the present.  If we can vividly remember our past, then we can remember painful, embarrassing, or even terrifying memories and experience them as though they are happening now.  And because this behavior is so useful, and so central to everything we do right now in the moment (talking, reasoning, problem solving....), it can easily begin to dominate our experience to the point where we are unable to experience anything without our mind getting involved.  We become "addicted" to thinking, and as a result, human beings live much of their lives up in their heads.  Constantly drifting into thoughts, memories, predictions, evaluating, imaging, questioning.  We become so addicted, that even when our mind is giving us poor advice, or when it is making it difficult for us to fully experience life, we find it hard to put it down. Sound familiar?

Addiction to our smartphones is no different than the "addiction" that we have to our own minds.  Similar to the way we are all walking (and driving) around with our faces in our phones, we travel through life with our faces "in" our thoughts.

So back to the conclusion that I began with.  When I say that smartphones are like steroids for your mind, I mean that they strengthen the process by which the mind works. They act as an extension of your mind, by expanding the reach that your mind has in any given moment.  In the era before smartphones, if we had a question or a thought we wanted to explore further, we had to at least wait until we could get to a computer with internet connection.  And before the internet, we had to wait until we could get to the appropriate book for that topic.  And before we had easy access to books, we had to rely solely on the knowledge of others, or wait even longer and learn through our own personal experience.  But now, when we have a burning question, we can pull out our phone and satisfy our minds instantly.  This is obviously an incredible advantage for us.  However, just like the incredible usefulness of the mind comes at a serious cost, so does the usefulness of smartphones.

There is a quote by Ralph Waldo Emerson that I use to describe the unintended cost of the mind, and it does an equally sufficient job of describing the unintended cost of smartphones:

"The civilized man has built a coach, but has lost the use of his feet."

We have created for ourselves a device that gives us instant access to information from around the globe, but have lost our ability to sit with ambiguity, to be ok with not knowing.  If you want to observe this directly, just try disagreeing with someone (who you know has a smartphone in their pocket) about some factual event, and watch how quickly they grab their phone to prove that they are right.  Or try posing a question that you know is likely to stump them: "What's that actor's name that was on that show we used to watch??" and watch how quickly they grab their phone and eliminate the discomfort of not knowing.

We have a device that instantly connects us with everyone we know, but we find that we are unable to just be with the people sitting right across from us.  I find myself making resolutions to not take my phone out of my pocket when I go out to eat, because at some point in the conversation we will bring up a thought that my steroid fueled mind wants answered NOW.

We have a device that tells us how to get anywhere we want to go, but as a result we can live in a city for several years and still be completely unfamiliar with the roads.  And we can become so immersed in our phones that we almost forget the need to look at the road at all.

The mind is an incredible tool that eventually becomes an obstacle to us simply experiencing the present moment and learning from our direct experience.  The smartphone is like our mind's own tool, and the two combine forces to create the ultimate state of "anti-mindfulness." Face pointing downward, perpetually lost in our thoughts and in our phones.

According to the philosophy of science used in modern behaviorism, simply understanding and being able to describe or label a behavior is useless if it doesn't provide a direct way of influencing it.  And so, as always, I'll wrap this up with some advice.

Since modern behavioral science, and experience, tells us that you can't just make your mind quiet down when you want it to, and you can't simply replace negative thoughts with positive ones and have it stick (see Positive Thinking and Other Harmful Advice ), what is recommended is a mindfulness-based approach.  This involves simply observing your present moment experience, noticing when you have drifted off into thought, practicing observing your thoughts as just thoughts, and then practicing the skill of bringing your awareness back to your present moment experience. And repeat as necessary.  Changing your thoughts, or arguing with them, is not necessary and is not recommended.  Instead, the goal is to increase your awareness of thoughts in order to have more choice about whether or not you want to use a particular thought, and more freedom in choosing how you behave.  If it works to be lost in your thoughts (i.e. planning a trip, doing taxes, making a grocery list, completing a complicated task at work, etc.) then get lost in your thoughts.  If it seems as though your thoughts are steering you in the wrong direction, or are going into overdrive, or are judging you harshly, then just passively observe them, like a radio playing in the background, and choose to go in the direction that you know, deep down, will work best for you.

This approach works well when dealing with the mind, so in theory, it should work well when applied to our mind's new best friend: the smartphone.  And BONUS: Unlike your mind, you actually CAN turn your phone off! So when you need information, or need to contact others, then get lost in your phone.  If you get home from work, and this is the time you like to catch up on other people's lives by going on Facebook, then get lost in your phone.  If you find that being lost in your phone isn't working well for you - such as when you've spent hours on it and lost all track of time, when you are with loved ones, or when you're hurdling down the road in a 4,000 lb. mass of rolling steel - then practice passively observing that urge to look down or that familiar "ding," and choose to remain present.  If you have a burning question and you feel like you are slavishly running to your phone to feed your mind it's hourly dose of steroids, then practice leaving the question unanswered, and not giving into the craving.  The less you feed your mind steroids, the less it will want it.  If you dare, maybe even experiment with turning your phone off for a few hours, or leaving it at home for a day.  You'll find that this is incredibly difficult to do.  Your mind will not be happy about it.  It will throw a tantrum, and flood your attention with lots of great reasons and scary scenarios ("What if this is the day my car breaks down?! What if they find out there is an asteroid about to hit earth and I have no way of finding out?!?!?!).  Let your mind say what it will, and then hold down the power button.  Remind your phone, and your mind, who is in charge here.

America's Favorite Pastime: Judgment

Every animal has its specialty.  Birds have mastered flying.  Bees have mastered honey.  Dogs have mastered smelling (you might say they specialize in both forms of the word).  Human beings have mastered the art of judging.  We can judge, evaluate, and compare literally everything.  Take a minute to look over the room that you are sitting in right now and see if there's a single object that you can't evaluate and critique.  "This chair could be more comfortable, that printer got jammed last week, my cell phone is already outdated, this carpet has a stain over there in the corner..."

If it were only objects that we judged, there might not be any downside to it.  After all, it is this skill of judging and evaluating that has allowed us to create better tools, build better shelters, and eventually take over the planet.  But it doesn't stop with objects.  If you try the exercise above using people, instead of objects, you'll find it's just as easy. "He's too fat, she's not very smart, I don't like his voice, she's nice but she has that weird thing above her eye, those people are lazy, that guy is just a BAD person...."

And lastly, it doesn't stop with other people.  Try turning your attention inward for a moment and asking "What don't I like about myself?" And watch the judgment flow. No one knows you better than you, which means you have far more material to judge yourself with than any one else.  Past mistakes, embarrassments, your appearance, life-goals that you've come short of...  All of this can be immediately brought to the surface for evaluation.

Modern behaviorism has something to say about how our use of judging has become so widespread.  At the core of human language and thinking are a set of skills called  "relational skills."  This refers to our learned ability, as human beings, to respond or react to anything around us based on its relationship to other things.  The first type of relational skill we learn as young children is to respond to spoken words as though they are the same as the things they refer to.  For example, learning to respond to the spoken word "apple," as though it is the same as a real apple, and vice verse.  We can think of this as learning the relation of "the same as."  As we develop, we learn a variety of other relations besides "the same as," such as "different from,""the opposite of," "behind/in front of" and many others.  And somewhere along the line, we learn the relational skills that are seen in judging, such as "better than / worse than," and "more than / less than."

What makes relational skills so remarkable, is that once we get good enough at this skill, we can begin relating anything to anything, and by doing so, we can learn incredibly quickly and without relying on trial and error.  For example: If a child doesn't know what a ship is, the parent can simply take something that the child does know, and relate a ship to that: "A ship is THE SAME AS a boat."  Just like that, the child now knows what a ship is, and she didn't have to go see a real ship in order to to learn it. This is the same with judging/evaluating relations as well.  Someone trying to teach their child the merits of good hygiene can say, "Being clean is BETTER THAN than being dirty," and this child now knows that cleanliness is preferable, assuming that they were in the mood to listen on that particular day.  By relating to dirtiness as being "bad," the child avoids having to get ill on multiple occasions just to learn that cleanliness works better.

This ability to master relational skills, and then apply to them to virtually everything around us allows us to exponentially expand our understanding of the world around us by naming and categorizing, and by relating the things around us to other things in increasingly complex ways. The relational skill of judging helps us not only to understand the world around us, but to improve upon it and navigate through it more effectively.  If we understand that something can be better, than we can take action to make it better.  As you can see by our dominance on this planet, this works really well.  So well that we soon find ourselves applying it to everything that we come across. Then one day, we wake to find that judging and evaluating has become as automatic as breathing or blinking your eyes.

One last feature of judging that we can notice is that it tends to be biased towards the negative.  To understand why this is the case, we can simply ask the question "Which would be more likely to help early humans survive: Judging the majority of things in a positive manner? Or judging the majority of things in a negative manner?"  It seems to make sense that if 2 cavemen heard a growling, rustling noise in a nearby bush, and one of the cavemen judged most things positively - "It's just the wind. I love the wind!" - and the other judged most things negatively - "It's probably something that wants to eat me." - one of those two cavemen is going to live longer than the other.

So here we are today, the descendants of critical, negatively judging ancestors, able to apply our negatively biased judgment to literally anything that we come into contact with.  Some of our most popular forms of entertainment play on this relentless urge to judge.  Ridiculing contestants in the early episodes of "American Idol," and laughing at the extreme behavior of cast members on the "Jersey Shore" has become an American pastime.  Our cars, our phones, our houses, our TVs, our jobs - none of them are good enough.  There's always something better.  And if we look beyond these more obvious examples, we can begin to recognize that we are walking around judging the value of other human beings on a nearly constant basis.

Considering our ability, and our predisposition to judge everything around us, I think that we as a species need to begin asking:  When does judging and evaluating work well, and when does it not?  And more specifically: Does it work well for us to judge the value of other human beings?  I'm going to suggest that it doesn't, for a few reasons:

When we judge the value of another human being, we are neglecting the incredible fact that a human being is more than just the thing that you see in front of you.  They are the culmination of millions and millions of past experiences.  Their history is more complex than you could ever imagine.  And that history is intertwined with the history of countless other people that they have connected with over the course of their life.  That person has hurt, has doubted themselves, has suffered, and might even be suffering right now as you look at them.  The act of judging the value of another person is an arrogant one.  It oversimplifies the complex, historical nature of human beings and neglects far too many factors.  And because of this, it doesn't WORK well.  It leads to fear, prejudice, and hate, and it leads us to behave towards human beings as though they are objects.

Another problem with judging stems from the fact that our self-awareness is inextricably tied to our awareness of other people.  To put this another way, in order for you to become aware of the fact that you are you (which usually occurs around age 4-5), you must also become aware that the person across from you is their own person.  It's kind of like the way you need to experience darkness to understand light.  When it comes to judging, what this boils down to is that the more critical and judgmental we are towards others, the more critical and judgmental we will be towards ourselves, and vice verse.  Check this out for yourself.  See if it isn't the case that many of the things you hate most about other people are the same things that you hate about yourself.  I & You are 2 sides of the same coin, so not only is judging another human being an act of arrogance, it is a self-destructive act.

For the reasons above, I'd like to humbly propose a way of reining in our skill of judgment.  I'd like to propose that human beings be taken off the "approved list" when it comes to judgment.  Human beings are not objects to be judged and evaluated, they are complex, intricate, and constantly changing - like naturally made pieces of art - something to be appreciated.  We can judge their actions in terms of effectiveness, we can assess whether or not a person's behavior is dangerous to others around them and protect ourselves accordingly, but to judge the person themselves should be off limits.

Now this is easier said than done.  And if you've read any of my previous blogs (particularly "Positive Thinking, and Other Harmful Advice") then you'll know that I'm not going to simply suggest that we stop thinking judgmental thoughts.  It's not that easy.  As I explained above, the skill of judging is incredibly advantageous for us.  This means that it is incredibly difficult, if not impossible, for us to shut it off.  Instead what I would suggest is an increased awareness of judgmental thoughts, and a conscious effort not to act on them when they are targeted at other people.  It's difficult, but it is do-able.

As an example of how you could try this out, my wife and I have spent the last month or so attempting to go on a "judgment-free diet" (I have to give her credit for the name).  This has consisted of simply catching ourselves when we are acting towards others in a judgmental way, and consciously choosing to stop.  Sometimes, on a good day, we are able to mindfully observe judgmental thoughts and refrain from ever acting on them in the first place.  But that's on a good day.

Try this out, and you'll find that it is a HARD game to play.  If you make a conscious effort to observe just how frequently you are judging things and people, you'll be astounded by what you find.  You'll suddenly become aware of just how much of your time is spent criticizing others.  You'll notice how quickly you give in to the lure of gossip.  You'll notice the tone of disgust in your voice as you describe someone's flaws, or talk about the stereotypes of a particular group of people.  And if you try this out, what you might also find is that when we begin to catch our own judgments in flight, and choose not to act on them, some space starts to open up for compassion and forgiveness.  You'll find that you are better able to appreciate the suffering of others around you.  You might even notice yourself feeling love and compassion for complete strangers.  You'll become aware of the fact that they are not objects or things to be judged.  There are people behind those eyes, and those people are not much different than you.  And as you begin to forgive others for being human, you might find that it becomes a little easier to forgive yourself as well.

Good luck.

Misguided Compassion

In recent years, there has been a significant cultural shift in our stance on mental illness.  There are an increasing number of mental health advocacy groups, support for mentally ill returning veterans is higher than ever, and in general there seems to be more compassion and less blame placed on those suffering from mental illness.  Yet, right inside of this newfound compassion, I believe there is something that might be equally as harmful as blame and stigma. 

When we witness another human being suffering psychologically, and ask ourselves why they are suffering, we tend to assume that there are two possibilities.  The first possibility is that the person is responsible for their suffering and they could easily make it stop, but they are choosing not to.  The second possibility is that the person has no control over their suffering and they are a helpless victim.  If it seems that the person’s suffering falls under possibility #1, then we blame them for their suffering and say things like “He just wants attention” or “She just needs to get over it.”  If the suffering seems more severe, or too complex for us to easily figure out, we often go with possibility #2 and say things like “He can’t help it, he’s got something wrong with him,” or “It’s not her fault, she’s got Disorder of the Month disorder.” It is a type of either-or approach that we take: Either you are choosing to suffer, and I should be angry or disappointed with you, or you have no choice, and I should show you compassion. 

Adding support to this either-or, blame vs. compassion approach, is the “Medical” or “Biological” model of mental illness.  This model tells us that mental illness is biologically caused, it is a “brain disease,” or a “chemical imbalance.” It tells us that a malfunctioning brain on the inside is causing the unhelpful behavior that you see on the outside. This model naturally steers us in the direction of compassion, because the person is seen as being the victim of a biological disorder, similar to a cancer patient.  We wouldn’t ever think to blame or negatively evaluate a person who was just diagnosed with leukemia. 

So if the medical model leads to more compassion and less blame, then why not just go with it?  Well, there are several problems that go along with treating mental illness as an out-of-your-control, biologically caused issue:  The first is that there is no evidence to support this assumption. Widely accepted “facts” like low serotonin levels causing depression are actually not facts at all.  When studies examine the serotonin levels of depressed and non-depressed people, they look exactly the same.  So in the absence of real, measurable proof, what is often substituted is: “Well the fact that psychopharm drugs work in the first place is enough to prove that mental illness is biological.” However, you can’t use the effectiveness of a medication as proof that the original cause… was a lack of that medication.  If you took an antibiotic for some type of infection, and the infection went away, you wouldn’t assume that your infection was originally caused by a lack of antibiotics.  And lastly, the effectiveness of psychopharm drugs itself is questionable.  Many studies out there show that antidepressants work no better than placebo pills, and in countries where there is no access to antipsychotic medications, many schizophrenic individuals actually make full recoveries!  That’s supposed to be impossible, but it happens.

But putting facts aside (see "When Being Right is Wrong"), another, even more important issue with the medical model is that it just doesn’t work well.  The expectation is that telling a mentally ill person that their problems are due to a chemical imbalance should remove blame and stigma, promote compassion as mentioned earlier, and help relieve some of their suffering.  After all, if you’re brain is broken then it is not your fault, and if you’ve been struggling with something for a long time, it feels pretty good to hear that it is not your fault. 

We were right about removing blame, and it does seem to promote compassion, but it turns out that the message, “you have a chemical imbalance,” brings along some unintended consequences.  What we’ve found is that people who believe they have a brain disease or chemical imbalance actually report feeling more stigmatized.  Who would have thought…. being told you have a broken brain actually makes people feel……… broken?  And when it comes to treatments that promote real, measurable change in a person’s life, we’ve found that people who are told “your depression is a brain disease” actually do worse in therapy than people who are told “your depression is a behavioral issue.” 

This medical model removes blame, allows bystanders to feel more compassion for the suffering person, yet it does nothing to help the suffering person improve their life.  In fact, the person is being robbed.  By convincing a person that their brain is causing their problems, we are essentially removing any hope of conscious, intentional change: Are you depressed? Anxious? Angry? Guilty? Addicted? Well, sorry buddy, it turns out you just have a shoddy brain. Your only hope is to take this pill and pray to the gods that your unruly brain gets its act together. 

Now we return to the alternative, which is possibility #1: The person is responsible for their suffering, and they could get better if they chose to.  The trouble with this approach is that the minute we begin assuming the individual has control over their circumstances, it becomes difficult for us to offer compassion.  It just doesn’t make sense to feel bad for someone who is causing their own problems, right?  I’m going to suggest that it does make sense, and more importantly that it works better to do so.

Assuming that the person is responsible AND choosing to show them compassion may seem crazy at first, but it begins to make more sense when we look at mental illness as being less like a disease, and more like a trap.  And it becomes easier to do once we realize that all of us step into this trap from time to time. 

Human beings, as a species, experience pain in ways that no other animal can.  Our unique ability to evaluate, remember, care deeply, and plan ahead, also allows us to evaluate ourselves negatively, remember painful events, experience sadness when we lose something we cared deeply about, and worry about a future that has not yet happened.  Emotional pain, for humans, is in fact completely normal.  It’s a package-deal.  But because this pain can hurt so badly, we often find ourselves searching for “solutions” to the pain.  And in doing so, the bait is set.  We all do small, harmless things to avoid uncomfortable thoughts and emotions, and if we do it in small enough doses we can get away with it, kind of like tip toe-ing around a trap.  But if you put enough energy and time into trying to escape your own emotional pain, eventually the trap snaps shut.  Try hard enough to stop thinking about a painful memory or a painful thought about yourself, and you will find it is all you can think about.  Try to run from anxiety, and it will begin to follow you wherever you go.  Try to avoid embarrassment and strive for perfection, and you will find that you are mortified by even the smallest of mistakes.  Try to escape your pain by having a drink, and tomorrow morning you will wake up to find that the pain has returned, and you now have a drinking problem.  These are just a few examples of the kinds of psychological traps that every last one of us, to some degree, steps into.  Many times, the only difference between you and a person with alcoholism, PTSD, panic attacks, or depression, is that they stepped just a little further into their traps, and they got stuck. 

If we approach mental illness as a type of psychological trap, the issue of responsibility becomes a little less important.  Imagine you were to walk past a person on a trail who has stepped into a bear trap (do those still exist?) and is now in a great deal of pain.  Technically speaking, that person is responsible for being in that trap.  Regardless of whether or not they were aware of the trap, they “chose” to take every single step, leading up to the very last one right into the bear trap.  Yet, nearly all of us would still show them compassion and would likely offer our help.  But for some reason, when it comes to mental illness, we change the rules.  We only offer compassion if we believe that the person had no control over their circumstances.  And if it appears that the person is responsible, then we blame them and withhold our compassion.  This would be kind of like coming across the hiker in the bear trap and saying “Are you blind? No? Are your legs weird and they don’t go where you tell them to go?  No?  Well then it’s your fault that you’re in that trap!  Good luck jackass!”  We would never treat a physically trapped person in such a way, and I don’t think we should treat a psychologically trapped person this way.

People struggling with mental illness deserve compassion, because we all suffer, and we all step into psychological traps.  They deserve the assumption that they are responsible, because to say that they are not responsible is to rob them of the possibility for change. Being responsible simply means that the person stepped into this trap, and they can actively do something to step out of it and improve their life.  Being responsible means they have the ability to respond.  Ultimately, it means there is hope, and that hope is not limited to a pill.  Compassion alone, without responsibility, can turn a conscious and capable human being into a victim.  Responsibility alone, without compassion, is blame, and that is like yelling at the hiker for stepping into the bear trap.  When we are able to offer a fellow human being both of these things together, unconditionally, we are saying, “I can see you’ve fallen into a trap.  All of us do.  Let’s get you out of it.”